It’s been one of those Yorkshire days. Long periods of rain punctuated with spells of stair rod duck weather. It’s the perfect weather for a leaking back door. If we had ducks then they would be happily swimming about in the utility room. I know what the rich must feel like now – an indoor pool. Looking at ours I really don’t see what all the fuss is about.

It’s was similar weather three years ago when I had to go and see the solicitor about my partners will. I was in such a daze that I hadn’t realised that I had forgot to put a coat on when I got out of the car. Within minutes I was a drowned rat but I only realised when I saw my disheveled reflection in a shop window. Previously I would have had an angelic voice quietly whisper – why don’t you put a coat on dear. It’s the one thing I have never adjusted to. Not having that caring soul help guide this bumbling fool through the twist and turns of life. That’s probably why I still tend to avoid social gatherings. Not sure I trust myself.

I’m so blessed to have been with that caring soul for a wonderful 17 years. It’s created so many memories. Fortunately years of over using the camera has created multiple photo albums filled with these memories. Those photographs tell our story perfectly. But one thing is missing and it’s so haunting. I just can’t seem to remember her voice. After all those years we spent together how can I forget something so important. I just can’t get it right in my memories.

So I have been trying to find a video with my partner talking. So many videos taken but they all focus on our son. Then I came across our old video camera. The one we bought during the pregnancy. The one which has been gathering dust since mobile phones became the memory recorder of choice. No luck so far but I did come across something which completely floored me. A mini video disc marked up as sons first walk.

When it happened I had picked our son up from nursery. My partner was still at work. Son was sat on the floor singing away so I started filming him. Within seconds he managed to pull himself up and waddled across to me. All captured on film. Unfortunately our dvd was broken at the time so we couldn’t replay it. So I said I would go into the city and get it transferred to video. I kept putting it off. I never got round to it. Over time the disc was forgotten about. I never did share that moment with my partner.

You assume you have all the time in the world but in reality you never know how much sand is left in the egg timer.

It so important that we remember to seize the day. Don’t assume you will get another chance tomorrow.

So the voice hunt will continue. I know somewhere I will find it. Then my memories will be complete. And again I will hear my angelic angel.

33 thoughts on “Voice

  1. Hello Gary. I am so glad you found a video you can enjoy and keep for your son. But please do not feel bad about not being able to recall a voice. I am 56 years old. I can recall voices, everything I have seen on a computer screen, most books I have read, a bit about movies, but I can not remember faces. Unless I see you every few days I can not tell what you look like. I have people coming up to me in a grocery store talking to me, I fumble and when they move on I look at my spouse who understands and tells me who they are ( normally a person in our park I have helped with their computers ) Ron ( my spouse ) understands my problem with faces so we make sure I know what shirt he is wearing when we go out. We have been together 30 years yet I couldn’t pick his face out of a line up. It is weird, I love him, I adore him, and while with him I know him. But if he was to go way for a few hours and I did not know what he was wearing , I couldn’t pick his face out of a group of people. Sometimes it really scares me, the what if I need to identify him in a hospital or such? In fact I have panicked at times over this. But my brain simply wont remember or record faces. Any way, hope this helps you with the not remembering her voice thing. Best wishes. Hugs

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    1. Hello Gary. I have lost my husband in a grocery store because I couldn’t remember what he was wearing. Before cell phones I would rush up to someone only to be confused they did not know me. Thank Gia for cell phones, we text each other were we are and If Iose him he can text me where he is. Hugs

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      1. It’s still there. The swelling, I mean, not just the foot. But not too bothersome. I don’t feel it when I run anymore, really. Just when I walk uphill. How is your body dealing with running through your injury?

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  2. Her voice is there – inside your head, just as you always heard it.

    For whatever reason (probably unbearable grief) it (your mind) has decided to not give you on-call access at this point in your recovery.

    If you want to over-ride your minds self-protection (make certain you are sure you want this so ‘soon’ after!) then simply give it an intention that is what you want.

    Try to visualise a time that was clear and important to you both when you can remember what was being said by you both – a few simple sentences should suffice. Then tell your mind you would like to be able to replay that memory in full as if you were actually back there hearing all the conversation. Most importantly have the thought that this will happen just as you remember it in full detail.

    Don’t expect it to come immediately, but if you trust your minds ability it will give you what you seek , probably when you least expect it. Once you have asked your mind to do this, in full detail, then relax and go on doing whatever else you need to do – there’s no need to keep on thinking about it – the brain does this in it’s own good time. Just be ready to enjoy it whenever it does show up! 🙂

    You could relax and watch the ducks in the duck pond – sorry, the Utility room – while you are waiting. 😉

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      1. It may not happen overnight – but it will happen. 😉

        Don’t force it, but it is OK to give a firm, but polite, request to the sub-concious from the conscious with intent. 🙂

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  3. I was 22 when I lost my mother in 1973. I never thought of trying to remember her voice but her words….Many of those I still remember 46 years later. I was thrilled to find a letter she wrote to her coworkers when she was in the hospital before she died. Her words are what is important to me, and the ways she inspired me. You remember your partner’s thoughts and words. You hear her telling you to put on your coat. Thanks for the reminder of the fragility of life.

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