It is a new day. The world keeps turning.

This is what is best described as a free form post. Just writing as the words pop into my head and then I will post it. No checking or editing.

At virtually this exact time four years ago my life changed. Our life changed. I received that late night phone call. I didn’t need to pick it up, I knew the words that I would here. I was right when I did answer the call. It was the Hospice. My partner had passed away. Even though I knew those words would inevitably come it didn’t lessen the pain. The loss. I called her sisters and her mum. I decided to tell our son in the morning after he woke up. I then just sat. I sat all night. Trying to get my head round life and death. The new situation. My old world was gone. The door had permanently slammed shut on that place. The new one was already starting. But it didn’t feel like that . It was just blackness. No light. No new doors to walk through. Nothing. Such a big part of my life was gone. All those unfulfilled dreams suddenly binned. Nothing. What do I tell an 8 year old boy. How do I raise him up when I am utterly flattened.

Looking back. I handled that chat with our son as well as I possibly could. I bumbled through that next period of my life. Can’t believe how devastated I was but still the world kept turning. I felt like I was still looking for a new door to walk through but I just couldn’t find one. Actually that was wrong. I had already walked through the door, I just hadn’t found the light switch. That took much longer to locate. But it was there all along we just find it when we are ready.

Four years on I am filled with emotions and memories. I still feel that loss. I can still feel that dark chill to my soul which I experienced that night. I feel a deep sadness but I may not mourn today, we shall see. It might be a time for tears but it might also be a time for reliving happy memories. I will definitely remember the wonderful times we had. The ways in which our fallen member of our family left the world she found a better place. But I will also not forget that it is a new day. The new crop of dreams still need planting, nurturing and harvesting. I can definitely today look back as well as forward. Here’s to beautiful memories and new dreams.

87 thoughts on “A new day

  1. I can still remember that call from 30 years ago with my mum, and five years ago with my sister. I think this is the reason I hate telephones. I am pleased you found the light switch. Keep going, I wish you all the strength and resolve you need.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So sorry for your loss. You do so well and I hope you can keep on as you are now. Not quite sure how the dates go when we are half way round the world from you. But it looks as though she passed away on 11 September, anniversary of USA’s 9/11, being remembered by them now. That would be so ironic.

    I moved to a new city on 9/11 to find a job. Our family dynamics which had lain dormant while we lived scattered were no longer scattered and blew up just as surely as the twin towers blew up. Irony again.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am moved by your insight that you already walked through that door but only did not switch the light on. Actually, there are no words to be added to yours.
    I simply want to send you a big hug!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It will always be with us hun. I have people tell me they ‘ get over it’ . We never do. We learn to ‘cope with it’. I will miss Nick to my dying breath. But I will live MY life until then. He wanted me to be happy. And I am finally feeling like I can.

    I hope and pray that one day you find that new special someone. And become a family again.

    Sending you healing hugs and warm thoughts. Sue

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Such days are poignant. I think that is the word, but I am glad that you have reached a happier place and I pray the craziness of 2020 will end so your journey can continue without the added, shall I call it challenge? I sort of feel as if you are being taken on a steeplechase this year!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I have been ruminating on life and death today as well. Partly because of the anniversary of 9/11/2001 and the downing of the twin towers in NYC/Pennsylvania losses and partly because on this date eight years ago my sister and her husband lost their second son to cancer (after losing their eldest six months prior). Reading your post was yet one more reminder of how very precious life is. Time moves on. What we do with the time granted us can be a gift we offer this world. I cannot imagine the pain and darkness you have survived, never having experienced the loss of a partner/spouse/best friend/ confidante/ soul mate.

    Gary, you really are an inspiration and if the day comes when I join the membership of bereaved spouses I know your words will come back to me to remind me life can and does go on – as heavy as it may seem. I love your expression of hope at the end of your post. I am so very sorry for your loss, but the love you shared remains – it is evident in the way you write about her and I thank you for sharing your experiences and journey. God bless. x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for sharing such a painful and intimate part of your life. It must be surreal having time move on when you are reeling with grief. You’ve come a long way; your blog is a testament to your perseverance and love. It’s always a new day and we move forward despite ourselves. 💕

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Your clouds are beautiful ❤️ very heavenly

    That just must have left you in shock, maybe stunned? I know my deaths mostly all stunned me. (That’s why with my mom is kinda of mercy, slow to let me grasp)

    That must have been a really hard conversation to have with son. I can’t even imagine.

    But check you out – holding up the fort! You handle that shit like a boss lol… you do really good both keeping it together on your own and raising such a hilarious and smart young man. You set a good example.

    Death is never easy and you never truly get over that trauma of those moments… they mark you.

    But also shows your strength. You pretty strong

    Like your strength 💪 Isn’t easy, but look you pulling through ❤️✌️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Isn’t that the way it goes though? We put so much thought and effort thinking will be hard or difficult and then kinda goes better than we imagined

        I know that way lol

        I’m glad you guys are doing well now. Sorry that was so traumatic and hard – I also know that too

        Liked by 1 person

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