It is a new day. The world keeps turning.
This is what is best described as a free form post. Just writing as the words pop into my head and then I will post it. No checking or editing.
At virtually this exact time four years ago my life changed. Our life changed. I received that late night phone call. I didn’t need to pick it up, I knew the words that I would here. I was right when I did answer the call. It was the Hospice. My partner had passed away. Even though I knew those words would inevitably come it didn’t lessen the pain. The loss. I called her sisters and her mum. I decided to tell our son in the morning after he woke up. I then just sat. I sat all night. Trying to get my head round life and death. The new situation. My old world was gone. The door had permanently slammed shut on that place. The new one was already starting. But it didn’t feel like that . It was just blackness. No light. No new doors to walk through. Nothing. Such a big part of my life was gone. All those unfulfilled dreams suddenly binned. Nothing. What do I tell an 8 year old boy. How do I raise him up when I am utterly flattened.
Looking back. I handled that chat with our son as well as I possibly could. I bumbled through that next period of my life. Can’t believe how devastated I was but still the world kept turning. I felt like I was still looking for a new door to walk through but I just couldn’t find one. Actually that was wrong. I had already walked through the door, I just hadn’t found the light switch. That took much longer to locate. But it was there all along we just find it when we are ready.
Four years on I am filled with emotions and memories. I still feel that loss. I can still feel that dark chill to my soul which I experienced that night. I feel a deep sadness but I may not mourn today, we shall see. It might be a time for tears but it might also be a time for reliving happy memories. I will definitely remember the wonderful times we had. The ways in which our fallen member of our family left the world she found a better place. But I will also not forget that it is a new day. The new crop of dreams still need planting, nurturing and harvesting. I can definitely today look back as well as forward. Here’s to beautiful memories and new dreams.
Nice post 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Keep being positive.
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s the secret
LikeLike
I am so sorry for that loss and those dark days, Gary. But I am glad you can look forward to beautiful memories and new dreams. Stay out of the rain, Superdad. ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people
Good memories help. New dreams definitely help, you take care as well Tina. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautiful, Gary. You’re right about the door and the light switch. I’d further add that the floor is uneven, probably unfinished.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It really is. Also has a habit of being too polished for a few too many slips.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s a heck of a floor.
LikeLiked by 2 people
One hell of a floor.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t think of a better way to remember and honor her, your life together and your son. This is beautiful, Gary. I’m so glad you found the lights.💌💌
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Angie xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Here’s to beautiful memories and new dreams.
Good luck with that. I hope you have plenty of both to come.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautiful post. Such a tragic loss with new roads ahead. Thinking of you. x
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank Robyn. You look after yourself. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
A profound and beautiful reflection. Thank you!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you
LikeLike
I feel your sorrow and loss but also see a glimmer of hope. Hugs.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Always hope. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely so.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
So beautifully put here, my friend. Keep in the light. God’s got you. Prayers and hugs.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you. Hugs and prayers to you as well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Big hugs to you and Hawklad ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, a Medway to smile, and live this chaotic life, and I know she is smiling down on you and your son.😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You as well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
She’ll be proud of you both. Loads of virtual love and hugs to you
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you my friend
LikeLike
Such memories, although at times painful but they also teach us to survive. Keep the faith.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will thank you
LikeLike
💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you x
LikeLiked by 1 person
A beautiful post Gary. The old beautiful memories will always be there but you will create new together with Hawklad. And you are doing a marvelous job! Love to both of you ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s very kind of you.
LikeLike
Thank you for taking us along in your journey! xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your so welcome x
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Most profound
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you sir.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankyou for sharing ❤️ I am so sorry for your loss ❤️ I just saw your name and that broke my heart 😞
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your thoughts x
LikeLike
YOu ARE raising your boy up despite being flattened AND you are coming back into shape too x
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s definitely a shape I’m forming. Thank you my friend xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can still remember that call from 30 years ago with my mum, and five years ago with my sister. I think this is the reason I hate telephones. I am pleased you found the light switch. Keep going, I wish you all the strength and resolve you need.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s strange. Every time the phone rings now I get a sinking feeling.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So sorry for your loss. You do so well and I hope you can keep on as you are now. Not quite sure how the dates go when we are half way round the world from you. But it looks as though she passed away on 11 September, anniversary of USA’s 9/11, being remembered by them now. That would be so ironic.
I moved to a new city on 9/11 to find a job. Our family dynamics which had lain dormant while we lived scattered were no longer scattered and blew up just as surely as the twin towers blew up. Irony again.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes it is the 11th. Life has a habit of creating irony.
LikeLiked by 2 people
💕🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙏😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am moved by your insight that you already walked through that door but only did not switch the light on. Actually, there are no words to be added to yours.
I simply want to send you a big hug!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Erika. That means a lot to me. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙏🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hope your smiling.
LikeLiked by 1 person
At least now 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s warm here today. Perfect timing. Schools go back and the weather picks up. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, gosh! Yes, wonderful timing…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Getting warmer. Couldn’t make it up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Better now than not at all… 😬
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly x
LikeLiked by 1 person
It will always be with us hun. I have people tell me they ‘ get over it’ . We never do. We learn to ‘cope with it’. I will miss Nick to my dying breath. But I will live MY life until then. He wanted me to be happy. And I am finally feeling like I can.
I hope and pray that one day you find that new special someone. And become a family again.
Sending you healing hugs and warm thoughts. Sue
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sending you hugs as well. It always will.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We WILL meet next time I jump the puddle ok??
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good
LikeLiked by 1 person
Such days are poignant. I think that is the word, but I am glad that you have reached a happier place and I pray the craziness of 2020 will end so your journey can continue without the added, shall I call it challenge? I sort of feel as if you are being taken on a steeplechase this year!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Just got to keep running that race.
LikeLike
I have been ruminating on life and death today as well. Partly because of the anniversary of 9/11/2001 and the downing of the twin towers in NYC/Pennsylvania losses and partly because on this date eight years ago my sister and her husband lost their second son to cancer (after losing their eldest six months prior). Reading your post was yet one more reminder of how very precious life is. Time moves on. What we do with the time granted us can be a gift we offer this world. I cannot imagine the pain and darkness you have survived, never having experienced the loss of a partner/spouse/best friend/ confidante/ soul mate.
Gary, you really are an inspiration and if the day comes when I join the membership of bereaved spouses I know your words will come back to me to remind me life can and does go on – as heavy as it may seem. I love your expression of hope at the end of your post. I am so very sorry for your loss, but the love you shared remains – it is evident in the way you write about her and I thank you for sharing your experiences and journey. God bless. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s so kind of you. Life is precious. Often you don’t realise how much until it’s too late. That was me. Hopefully that has changed now. Sending you hugs. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is true of most of us. “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone,” as the song says.
Sending much love and hugs back.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We don’t xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing such a painful and intimate part of your life. It must be surreal having time move on when you are reeling with grief. You’ve come a long way; your blog is a testament to your perseverance and love. It’s always a new day and we move forward despite ourselves. 💕
LikeLiked by 2 people
I so get your words. Despite ourselves. That’s so true. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
A) You made me tear up. Not in a bad way in a total good way
B) Bravo!!!!!! I can only imagine how difficult this first step has been to take but you have.
Hugs to you and Hawklad
LikeLike
Thank you. Thanks for the hugs, they do help.
LikeLike
Most welcome
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙏
LikeLike
You are most welcome. 🤓💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
Your clouds are beautiful ❤️ very heavenly
That just must have left you in shock, maybe stunned? I know my deaths mostly all stunned me. (That’s why with my mom is kinda of mercy, slow to let me grasp)
That must have been a really hard conversation to have with son. I can’t even imagine.
But check you out – holding up the fort! You handle that shit like a boss lol… you do really good both keeping it together on your own and raising such a hilarious and smart young man. You set a good example.
Death is never easy and you never truly get over that trauma of those moments… they mark you.
But also shows your strength. You pretty strong
Like your strength 💪 Isn’t easy, but look you pulling through ❤️✌️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you xx In someways the conversation was easier than the hours thinking about it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Isn’t that the way it goes though? We put so much thought and effort thinking will be hard or difficult and then kinda goes better than we imagined
I know that way lol
I’m glad you guys are doing well now. Sorry that was so traumatic and hard – I also know that too
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you my friend
LikeLiked by 1 person