Much needed colour on a very grey and damp start to the day.

Some days are just greyer than others. Yes still smiles. Somethings just don’t fail. But then you come up to the surface again and it’s still grey. Crack on with stuff until you can immerse yourself in the good stuff again. Up and down. Swings and roundabouts.

Might have said that before. Sounds familiar. Sounds a bit like the lines ‘I’m going on a diet’ and ‘I’m going to have an early night’.

Another thing I’ve said over the last few hours – a one day heat wave is due on a Friday. Every time I look excitedly at the forecast, it just gets warmer. Now it’s supposed to be 29C (84F). That’s really hot for Yorkshire. Now I wonder what the reality will actually be. Let’s show you the current weather.

Wet, windy and definitely not warm…. Less than 24 hours until we are supposed to be hot then. Doubts definitely building.

I read some haunting words last night that brought tears. A really good person having so much to deal with in life. Honesty about the pain and sadness suffered. Yet unbroken with so much spirit, heart and love. Definitely made me think about that person and what a symbol of hope they represent. It also made me think about my life. Its too easy for me to take so many things for granted. I’ve been a bit up and down recently. A few too many down moments. Far too many doubts. Yet I have so much to smile about. Things which I far too easily take for granted. That needs to change. I’m not saying it’s going to transform me into a constantly smiling creature but maybe it will make me more balanced and honest with myself. I might believe my life is tough but looking at others, it really isn’t that bad at all. I’ve been so fortunate in many areas. I need to remember that and be more mindful of what others are dealing with. I’ve had opportunities which have been cruelly denied to others.

So it’s time to be much more thankful for what I have.

It’s a good life for me and actually it’s frequently a wonderful life.

76 thoughts on “Doubts

  1. Everyone’s story is so different. I think we’ve all experienced loss, hardships, struggles and dark days in our own way. I knew someone who’s story was absolutely horrifying to me. I felt my problems were nothing compared to what she had gone through. She was an amazing person. She wrote to me, pain is pain. I still can’t imagine what she went through, but she came out shining. It’s amazing.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. For each of us, our life is what’s most important and relevant. Compassions don’t work because everything is different. But gratitude does works. Every day find one good thing that you’re grateful for. It will definitely cheer you up

    Liked by 1 person

  3. When I realize I’m in that mode, I force myself to make a gratitude list. I often resent listing things which I want to take for granted but it’s a good reminder that I could be without. Of course, the trick is to realize that I’m not counting my blessings… I often can’t get far enough out of the funk to notice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ps: That cold weather is definitely a blessing! Free plant watering, not too hot for clothing, no brushfire danger, doesn’t make you feel stupid for being in a funk and staying indoors,…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Watering is constantly required here and the cost is based in tiered usage levels. I stopped watering my “lawn” years ago, when we were in a drought. I want to convert it to veggies and native plants but can’t afford it right now.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It IS a wonderful life, and we still have ours.

    A few things that helped me… there is not a set time period for you to be over grieving … take the time you need to come to terms and don’t worry what anyone else thinks. Remember there is still life for you though.

    If your loved ones could see your grief or hanging back from living… what would their response to you be?

    If it had been you that had died (god forbid)… what would you have wanted for your spouse?

    My best advice is to… be you … cope in whatever way can help you through. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about how you cope. Is ok to be however you want or need to be. I have my own quirky ways I cope.

    Also… due to corona, we locked down so gives you moments to be sad and miss… wish to have back.

    And all the gray days don’t help matters either. You are probably used to that though… they effect me if too gray for consecutive amounts of days. And the rain will match the sadness.

    All those memories I have of my people, never would have happened, if they had let their own grief take over their life.

    My grandfather had a brother he loved dearly – committed suicide in his early 20’s… my grandfather was completely devastated – and NEVER EVER spoke of… I never even knew he had even existed because it was too painful for my grandfather to even mention or speak of.

    I learned a few years before my grandfather died. (My father told me, because I found a photo of a man who looked just like my grandfather!!) I was stunned. He choose life and happiness over his pain and the loss which he couldn’t have back anyway.

    And my grandmother same thing – she lost a brother and her parents – many family members actually… my family had a lot of death there, before I was born. I was probably their bright light of new life?

    I do remember when my grandmother lost “her” mom… my great grandmother “Nana” … I was young … about 6 or 7? I had never seen them sad before – it was my first death experience and it was hard …

    I wrote about that early on… I think I called it Pennies from Heaven or something ??

    They grieved for awhile, it took awhile to get over that loss, but they did… and focused on a happy life with happy memories to fill my mind with ❤️

    For me it helps remembering funny times – or things I loved with them. Funny things they said etc … when you can see what you had been blessed with.. more than the pain… then you be ready

    Also… keep in mind… we think we have time… but do we? Life stands still for no one.

    Learn how YOU want to cope… be thankful with what you were blessed with and what you still have… remember funny things or quirks or how they made you laugh …and don’t forget your own life!!

    It is not easy – words are easy to say… patching up the heart is not.

    The realistic brain – tells you one thing, and you know you have to move forward eventually… but the loving heart makes you feel like you can’t truly let go. The heart holds on tightly because we loved so deeply and didn’t expect.

    Processing takes awhile. Death is a final thing which is why it hurts so bad.

    What you knew is no more… but what you don’t know is still in front of you… and it could be a new type of amazing 😉

    Sorry I write novels ✌️😘 I try NOT to – but obviously that doesn’t work

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your so right. Time is not endless for us. Need to seize as much of it as we can. I think the lockdown has taken away many of the distractions which helped brake the moments. Just got to find new ones. But focusing on the happy memories is a start. I spend 10 minutes every day thinking of at least one memory from each lost loved one, including pets. It helps. Take care x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s good, I’m glad to hear it helps! It will make you smile more with the memories of them. ❤️ and what a tribute to their life that is ❤️✌️

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Focusing on the good is a fantastic habit. It doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed bad days too. We all have bad day, grey times… tears. And please don’t diminish your pain by comparing it to someone else’s. We can all think of someone who had things harder and come through. But each of us is different and what might seem hard to me might be easier for you and vice versa. Your pain and troubles are as difficult as anyone else’s. Yes, count your blessings, but feel your pain too.

    Ah… you’ll do fine. You’ve been doing a fantastic job this far, it will only improve. I just know it!😉🎶💃🏼💌

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As others have already said, it’s ok to have down days and alright others are living horrible and traumatic experience .. it’s all relative. Whilst positivity and gratitude is always so important, it’s also ok I think to accept that some periods are a bit shitty. You are doing brilliantly in a very very challenging time for you and your Son, plus you manage to support so many others via your blog. ⭐️

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I DOUBT we are going to have that nice day. Listen, it’s hard sometimes to think of the things we have cos then we think of the things we don’t. And it is really hard right now, so be kind to yourself

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You know?? I thought that straight off and apart from pretend kamikazeeing the ipad or whatever, the net that is bad and good for immediate access, well, I dunno. unless you can do some measuring project on distance v risk. Too many folks not being thought of here actually.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. One of the reasons I enjoy my blog is because I get to read about other people and it always gives me perspective. I’ve always been able to see that there are millions on this earth who really suffer and there are times when it overwhelms me. One has to keep perspective. There is that saying, Christian, I think: you are never given more than you can deal with. I have often thought about that and shaken my head, but guess what, here I still am! Be well, Gary and Hawlad.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hello!  My sisters in Vermont had awful heat and then lots of rain, now everything’s drying up.  Weird weather everywhere.  Here in Wyoming nothing changes much.  It’s a cool 65f degrees right now.  We are so opposite of you because it’s dry here and windy all the time.  I live in an apartment complex so no green grass or trees, flowers around me.  Want to trade?🧐🤓🤗

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPad

    Liked by 1 person

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