The way forward is sometimes difficult under foot.

Another storm is heading our way. Storm Jorge. The world news is grim and unremittingly depressing. Definitely no solace at school. Son scored 14 out of 15 in his Drama spelling test. The one he got wrong was Unferth. Unferth is a warrior who opposes Beowulf. It’s not a word he’s likely to use much in life. I am so pleased with son. I wouldn’t have got 14 and I’m not dyslexic. Yet the teacher told him to try a bit harder as a few of the kids had got all the spellings correct. Deep sigh.

Today has been tough for me. The above factors don’t help but they are not the main cause of my struggles. No it’s a grief thing again. Son’s birthday is fast approaching. Since she left us this is just one of those times. Her organisational skills would go into overdrive as his birthday approached. She would be so excited. Her love would shine through.

Then the world changed. (That was going to be the original name of my blog site but I messed up the setupBereavedDad was a cockup).

So today I was trying to sort out his birthday and I felt so wrong. She should be here enjoying this time as well. I’m not often bitter but today I was. What is making this birthday so raw is that he is turning into a teenager. My partner has missed so much of his childhood and never got the opportunity to see him grow into a teenager. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

But unfortunately feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help. It’s not going to bring her back. It’s certainly isn’t going to deliver any presents. It’s not going to yield a happy birthday for our son. It’s not going to make him smile AND his smiles are the only currency I should deal in now. So give myself a proverbial massive kick up the butt. Turn the news off. Play some loud music and fully commit to birthday mode. That’s what my partner would do and by jiminy – that’s what I am going to do.

So yes the way forward is sometimes difficult under foot but you still need to follow it.

97 thoughts on “Unwanted anniversary

  1. The world is full of depressing news…I’m sick to death with it all.

    Try to remember what your boy has: you as his father. 🙂 You are his pillar and the one person keeping his memory of his mom alive. It may not feel that way during all the struggles, god knows how I would handle such a tragedy, but your boy knows you have his back, knows you advocate for him against many odds.

    And he will love his birthday because children’s birthdays are a celebration. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Celebrating” my own birthday this weekend – the first one in thirty-six years I’ve had without my husband. Not sure how this is going to go…but it will happen, regardless. You’re not alone. Will play some loud music of my own. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. If you bake a cake, a really complicated cake…will you take pictures so we can see???

    Also, I had never even heard of Unferth before reading this. I made it a really long time not needing to know how to spell such a word. I shake my head in dismay at what education is about these days.

    Sending good thoughts and wishes your way, for both of you. Enjoy the loud tunes!! 😊🎶

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’d like to think she is driving you and your heart to give your son a special birthday – always there with you and your son. Unferth is a ridiculous word to have to learn. Geez. Thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Loud music works for me too. You’re doing great. It’s gotta be hard, but I’m sure your partner would be proud of you. Keep going. It likely doesn’t feel like it now, but the way forward won’t always be so difficult underfoot.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sending you hugs 🤗

    I want to say comforting things… but I am processing myself.

    I try to keep 2 things in mind…

    First thing… they touched my life and my children’s lives … so they kind of carry on that way… all I can do I keep their memory alive. I do love the memories. Sometimes those are comforting… Pieces of them carry on in us… so that will be forever – I like to think that makes them live forever even if I can’t have them here with me

    And then the second thing… their lives are over… for some reason that is what it is… But I try to think of the things they will never experience or feel again … I make sure I feel them or experience life – I know they would want that (currently in small ways) such as the sun or rain on your face… or the wind blowing – just small things people sometimes take for granted … or hugs or whatever …that sorta stuff (I almost lost my own life so maybe that’s why I try to think like that – I don’t want to miss life itself because I am devastated) I am grateful despite the things I go through.

    No one ever said life would be what you wanted – we just have to adjust and find a way we can move forward but still keep them in our hearts?

    I don’t think she would want you sad… I know I wouldn’t – I understand loss … but she sounds like she was a wonderful mother and partner… so I think she would want you to shine again?

    I hope I didn’t make you cry – not sure if you are the same as me or not… cause it’s heavy… but take your time to absorb – as long as you need

    But remember you still have life and that amazing son of yours – your life will shine again. Mine will too. ✌️

    Sending hugs 🤗 and thoughts for you. May you have peace ✌️

    And experience that birthday in all its glory – make her smile up in heaven (if you believe in heaven lol)

    And lastly – Happy Birthday to your son!! Crazy how fast they grow!! It’s like you blink and years go by!! I keep telling mine – ok stop growing, you making me old lol… they never listen! Lol

    Enjoy your moments ✌️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No you didn’t. You spoke really wisely. One life ends and a new one starts. It’s not the same life, it’s often a tough life, but it’s a life and we have to make the most of it. Plus son deserves the best childhood possible. They do grow so fast. Feels like a whirlwind most days. x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m not sure what committing to birthday mode entails and whether that is what your son wants but from your interactions with him, I feel that for every moment, every day that you spend together, it’s a celebration of each other’s life. I don’t know if I’m making sense but I just want to spend my birthday like any other day, with the people I love. I don’t know what your son wants but perhaps you don’t have to over stressed yourself.💗

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Make two round cakes and put them next to each other. Do the frosting over both like a bikini top. Boob Cake😉 He’s gonna be 13, tell me of a boy of 13 that doesn’t like boobies???😝🤣😂

    Did you remember to eat today??😘

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Unferth. My goodness. How the hell does learning how to spell that help with adult life to come? I even wouldn’t have got that one. To do well as he has done in thst test, I hope he is proud of that achievement. Bugger school that says to try harder because some others got everything right.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Writing out your troubles does help. Writing out the worst ones and burning them helps even more.

        You are doing very well with what you have to work with. I know you are tired of the bullshit. So am I.

        I have recovered nicely from the tooth saga. Now, my gallbladder is inflamed. It will calm after a while. Thanks.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I hope it calms soon. Many are tired of the bullshit. I’m tired of constantly fighting it. What makes it worse is that most of the current politicians regardless if they are on the right or on the left are one of the main sources of the BS we have to deal with.


      3. The latest madness from our self serving leaders is that they want to water down the legal , health and safety requirements for schools in the case of an outbreak. Rather than sending the kids home if teachers are struck down with the virus they want to allow unqualified people to teach and allow the remaining fit teachers to teach huge classes. Meanwhile they are putting off an emergency cabinet meeting until Monday as the PM wants his weekend off.


      4. Good Lord. The only reason these morons are concerned about this virus is not the welfare of all but, they fear for their own asses. Trump has already stated he would enforce quarantines. I will quarantine at home but, if they come for me, to stick me in a box with others, they’ll have to kill me. Ditto a damn vaccine. Those things don’t work.

        Look after your son & yourself. These oligarch devils be damned.

        If you hear of a massive break out in NC with quarantines and mass vaccinations…and my blog goes dark past three months…I’m dead, either from fighting back or the virus itself.

        Don’t mean to be gloom and doom but, this mess, frankly, is getting on my last nerve. No wonder my poor gallbladder is upset. It can’t much more anger…😠😡🤬

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Such times are definitely the hardest and most challenging in the process to deal with something never wanted, never expected, never planned. But as you said, even though it feels peculiar… life goes on. And if we don’t want to make it worse for others and (not to forget) for ourselves we need to step out of the mud and keep it going. Sending you good vibes over and lots of smiles while thinking of your son’s smiles on his birthday 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I have never heard of that word your son couldn’t spell. Is it a word or just a name? You’ve got the right attitude about what to do at the birthday party. Loud music, smiles, and living in the present. Your son will thank you. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Congrats to your son on his spelling test! That’s awesome!

    You are doing an amazing job at being dad. Sometimes, I wonder if the grief will end, or somehow get better. It comes in waves – then, there are moments that remind us.. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to feel.

    From what I know of you, your son will have a wonderful birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I have no concept of what it must feel like but I do know that some days it’s ok to feel sad, bitter or just a bit shit. It sounds to me like you will do a great job and she would be very proud. ☺️

    On a different note … ‘Unferth’ … wtf???

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Happy bday to your son! Turning into a teenager is a milestone! And CONGRATS to son on the wonderful spelling score!! Wow!! Your support and encouragement is paying off. And lastly, but most importantly, keep taking good care of yourself! x

    Liked by 1 person

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