Some random daffodils blooming next to our front window. These always make me smile as they just seemed to appear one year. I can’t remember planting them. Having said that, this is me…..

My mobile phone rang this morning. I could hear it somewhere really close but I just couldn’t find it before it rang off. A few minutes later I found me phone when I sat down. It was in my back pocket.

This morning it took me one hour to work out that it was Friday.

Sometimes there are no answers.

A few months back I was asked if I had found a magic bullet, a cure for it.

Sometimes there are no answers.

No it wasn’t the W.H.O. approaching me as a world expert on the search for a vaccine for the pesky virus. No don’t worry, I am still the same old dim witted goofball. No it was a parent from my sons last school. She had recently lost someone close and was really low with grief. She was desperate for the pain to go away.

Sometimes there are no answers.

Unfortunately I’ve not found a magic bullet, no cure or no vaccine that works with bereavement. It still hits me. It still hurts me. The days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years. I’m still waiting to gain acquired immunity. The route cause remains and will always remain. But I do believe that I have started to understand myself better. I am also slowly finding things that help with the symptoms. That’s something to cling on to. Sadly the things which help me, may not work for others. There is also no guarantee that what works today, will work tomorrow for me. I guess that’s the case not only for bereavement but for many other areas of life.

So what works for me (sometimes…)

  • Exercise, weights and running
  • Music
  • Movies
  • Nature
  • Walking
  • Climbing (I haven’t been able to climb in 4 years but just reading about it helps)
  • AND above all focusing on making our son happy.

Today was one of those days when virtually everything on the list did not work. All I could do was throw myself into keeping son happy. That distracted me. It got me through the day. It numbed the symptoms but didn’t cure the route cause. Now it’s 2am and those dark soul symptoms are bubbling away again. Probably going to be a long sleepless night. Will watch some rubbish TV and will again ponder over the home finances spreadsheet. Don’t know why – it’s not going to look any better when I’m tired.

It’s a brand new day. A fresh start. The old problems and hurt will still be there. But maybe, just maybe it will be symptom free day and it will be a good one.

Stay safe my friends.

130 thoughts on “Friday I guess”

  1. Talking/blogging helps me. Except with the financial stress. Today, I’ve been thinking about what to pay and what to skip as my finances dwindle. We got a 3 month reprieve on income taxes but, for me, the only thing that will be different in 3 months is that I’ll be even more broke.
    And this is where xanax comes into play for me.
    Still, I had stress dreams all night/day, including one where I thought I’d been hit in the head with a volleyball IRL. No cats nearby so I’m still confused.

    LOLing at your nearby phone. I spent hours thinking today was Sat.

    I hope you find your peace, and sleep!

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      1. I think I’m going to qualify for the potential $1000 one-time assistance check but that will be it. But thank gawd I’m alone and own my house… I can’t imagine being a family who just lost all income and who rents. The state has put a moratorium on evictions and turning off essential utilities – but that screws landlords. And families will be evicted the second it’s legal again.

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      5. Off topic: QVC is showing Temp-tations oven mitts for $16.5× USD. They match the ovenware. I thought of you.

        I’m going to send back the drunk purchase of light bulbs cause I need the $$

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  4. I truly believe its a lie we get over sad losses.. mine are just a raw as they were all of those years ago, maybe even more.. I think ours is a barbaric culture when it implies grief is an illness when we try to run from something it just chases us more to get our attention. I surrender to my grief more these days, that said all of your solutions are so important.. nature gives me the greatest relief of all, my dog, loving friends and lots and lots of good comedy…hugs and love ❤

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  6. Well for me… I didn’t have moments where I could process everything happening for me… it was too much all at once… so I placed it up on the shelf to handle the next death or life hit… it was boom boom boom…

    I still had to be a mom, I still had to go forward and then I got cancer … Oh my god! Lol … can we stop already!!!

    I kind of process now… I have my moments of memories which makes me miss them… terribly!!! I both find solace and pain in memories sometimes – I can feel the happiness I felt with them and at the same time the pain of missing them.

    It is life, and I do have to move forward … it has happened, this is where I am… and how am I gonna proceed?

    They never die because they are always alive in your heart and in your memories – yes it does make me cry sometimes – umm it’s hard. I miss them – I want them back!!

    Realistically – not an option.

    Ok – so I always constantly say “I’m not ready” for stuff because – I am learning how to be myself for myself?? So I am not ready…

    I lost my family, and I went through a painful marriage – very different than yours … but I do know the intense pain of loss.

    Grief is individual … to each person – there is a different way they process and handle… and there is no length of time you need to follow. Don’t let society tell you how to grieve. Take that off your shoulders.

    Take your time, cry and let it out, remember memories – hold them close!! Never ever forget them.

    You won’t ever get over the loss – I won’t – I am heartbroken with my losses – I have tears that just still flow… when I am alone… cause I am very private with that.

    And time doesn’t heal… it just makes it further away…

    You don’t expect these things to happen, and life doesn’t really give warnings – you don’t see it coming… so that aspect is hard to process too

    I finally have moments I can process and that just makes me stronger – I miss them… but they would want me to carry forward …

    If I tell my story about the deaths … umm… well I can’t yet… still too umm??? Much??

    But… I’ll get there … and at this point is like crying over spilt milk – is what I have … is how it is… not to diminish the memory or how much I loved them… how much I still needed them… how much I wasn’t ready…

    I just need to learn how to move forward differently than I imagined. But I keep them always always always in my heart

    Yeah whatever little soft and little sensitive with this also. I miss them… I was not ready

    I am kinda stuck in that cycle… but I’m learning and getting through it.

    You will too… in your own time. ✌️😘 … is not ever easy to lose people you love.

    I’m sorry you know that pain. ☹️😔💔… but on the bright side … you also knew that love 😉✌️ that blessed your life and you are left with a piece of that blessing always ❤️ In more ways than you realize.

    Alright I’m done lol ✌️

    Just sharing cause maybe helps?

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    1. This is so true. We all need to find our own way. The one image that worked for me was imaging grief as a door to a room. Suddenly that door locks shut. It will never open again. I then have 2 choices to stand by the door and look through the window. I can see the room but never get back into it. Or I can stumble on and try and find other doors which are open. I decided to stumble on, but being me, I sometimes stumble back to the original locked door. Then I need to make the same decision again. Sending you hugs. xx

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      1. That is a beautiful analogy.

        I’m still processing a suddenly different life without them. I do ok mostly –

        One time when I was a kid, my parents and I went to the mall… I was about 4…

        Well we were walking in a department store – and each of my parents thought the other had my hand … but no one did…

        We were walking near a lingerie area… and I reached my hand and felt the silky materials and got distracted by touching all of them lol … I didn’t realize my parents kept going as I went down those isles touching every fabric…

        I was so excited about all the silky and soft materials I went to say something and realized they were gone, I felt panic… and being scared I started to cry…

        The ladies that worked in that department found me just standing there crying. So they calmed me down brought me to a little table, where they gave me a juice and cookies.

        I was content and forgot all about being panicked.

        They announced over the loud speaker to the whole mall – if you are missing a young child by the name of “blah blah blah” please come to the lingerie department in Sears 😄 lol

        They came instantly as they had been panicked too… and they found me shoving my face with cookies…

        When I saw them, I had never felt such relief and ran to them. I held their hands really tight after that…

        It’s kinda like that? Only this time there are no ladies with cookies – and I can’t have their hands back

        It’s just hard. I wasn’t ready to let go of their hands

        But I like your room analogy… let me absorb that one for a little while – that might help

        Thank you! {{Hugs}} to you as well.

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      2. We all need to find a way through this life crap and grief. Yes I so get what your saying. I keep thinking of going shopping as a kid with my parents. I was given one job. Hold the toilet roll. I dropped it and it started rolling down the street. Only time I saw dad run. It’s good to look through the locked door window somedays. xx

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      3. I avoid things that cause that severe emotion… I try not to look in the window at this moment. I do, but I try not to… I try to look down the hallway (metaphorically speaking) looking in the window is too painful still right now.

        So I just try to survive and handle my stuff… is just lonely without all of them, I have to be strong for my mom now… so roles kind of reversed. But ya know… fly or die right? I will fly 🦅 – they raised me good. I’m strong.

        I just can’t peek in the window too much. Chokes me.

        You toilet paper story… did make me laugh at this moment… is that true? How funny.

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      5. Well that toilet paper story is funny… you probably would not have dropped that today lol

        Thank you, you as well. I do look forward most of the time.

        I am strong… but also had no choice in the matter. Would much rather be tiptoeing through the tulips 🌷 lol ✌️

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      1. Thankyou Gary. Not good here either. Crying with fear. But trying not to. They say stay strong. But how? Much love to you and son. Xx

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      3. That’s the problem. Not much we can do about anything. Tried. Failed. Just so alone. I am reaching out to you Gary. We both have different problems, but feel the same things quite often.

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  11. I was thinking earlier how triggering this current global crisis is for those already grieving, I find the death of my son some 27 years ago seems fresher every time I hear the sound of a parent panicking about their vulnerable child during the virus, the same with the death of my mother 7 years ago and my friend last year. Giving yourself permission for these feelings and almost expecting them to be magnified at a time like this helps some how. Thinking of you and your son and at least you will have him distracting you through this period.

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      1. Doing ok thanks. Son doesn’t go to school, I don’t go to work, I have my government provided income, shopping delivered as my son can’t cope with supermarkets and I book in advance so not much has changed for us and I have a couple of weeks of grace before I have to join the chaos. I have been thinking more of loved ones that are gone but in some ways that makes me appreciate and want to protect the ones I still have. My son is taking it all in his stride as for once he doesn’t feel like the odd one out not liking socialising or people touching him. I worry for others with the financial impact and with vulnerable loved ones though.

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  12. I really don’t think what is going on in the world is any help to anyone right now, so how you cope I don’t know. Hoping you have a better day today and that something works so you can get back up the slope. It sure can be slippery with days you are at the bottom and you even think is it worth anything to even crawl a foot up again. But I am sure you willxxxxxxxxxxx

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      4. Bizarrely I tripped over a hole the badger had dug in the lawn yesterday and did actually fall in front of the daffodils. My knees took the fall as I didn’t want to drop the bird seed and waste food. I then got up walked 3 yards and then dumped the stuff on the lawn. Tell me I’m not a dimbat. I can’t….

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  13. Oh, my friend, I wish there was something I could do to help. One of ‘those’ days I guess and they are so tough. I can’t say I understand what it feels like, I don’t, but I am sending love. I’m so glad you have strategies that do help on most days. Your son is so lucky to have a dad like you.
    X

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    1. Thank you. I guess my strategies can work when it’s just grief but they get overwhelmed when you add in something else like money worries. But at least I’ve learned that one bad day doesn’t automatically mean the next has to be bad as well. How are you doing? xx

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      1. It’s when there’s just too much at once and your resilience is sapped. At the moment ‘overwhelmed’ is a regular feeling! I’m doing ok. Weekend off to get myself back on track. I had a good sleep which always helps.
        You know where I am if you need a chat!
        Xx

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  17. I must say I related to this post of yours. Now I am not grieving for a loss of someone but griefing in other ways. I believe grief can be a bit of thing in this life. I know what helps me is blogging, taking walks, and my new one lately sitting by the river and just taking in the peace around me. No one to bother me for a bit. No questions having to be answered even if I had them. Keep moving forward. Don’t stop. Of what I read about your lovely wife is, she would not want you to feel this way. Would want to see you smile more to embrace this world with your son. To be happier. 😌

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  18. I love that you say “a bad day yesterday doesn’t mean a bad day today”. Can you shorten that to an hour or even less. My sister and I have decided it’s okay to allow ourselves (bad) “moments” then we try to turn it back around. Hoping today is a good one for you. 🙂

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  19. You have so much wisdom to share with us. Sometimes grief isn’t so much something to get through as it is something to outlast. I hope today brings a better space for you.

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  20. True words here, spoken by experience. People often ask me to give them the ultimate magic words. But as you said, everybody has their own way, coming from their own individual personality. It is a journey in itself and this journey is part of the big journey in each person’s life… totally personal. That makes every experience so individual. You said something very important which is something that does help in general: Making other people happy. I think one of the things that makes the grieving process so hard is that we feel kind of “useless”. But when we begin focussing on the wellbeing of others we take the weight and the focus off ourselves and at the same time do something really meaningful which brings back the light into our own hearts.
    Aside from that, thank you for the smiles you brought to me again with your lines regarding your confusion. Btw. I am constantly searching for my phone although it is mostly close by… oh, and for my cup of coffee which accompanies me during the day… lol

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  21. I don’t know how to handle grief at all–I mean other peoples grief. I just don’t have the words. I know words can’t really make it better, and to be honest I’m scared I will say the wrong thing. So I tend to avoid saying anything and focus on something else, like the daffodils. It’s funny, my “Daffodil Daydreams” poem was right. Daffodils really do seem to grow wild in England. Praying for you.

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  22. Yup, stay positive as you can. It creeps in when you least expect it sometimes and you see it, feel it, but then have to put it away. Good luck with the isolation.

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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      3. No but it does get easier in some ways–how tired are you of hearing that?😳 Somethings just stir it up all over again and you realize okay, here we are again. You are doing great with your son and keep the humor going, it does help.

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  23. They say emotions come in waves. Sometimes they rush in with no warning and, shortly after, escape back into the sea for a quick bit as you become engulfed in distraction. I pray you to find peace and comfort in knowing that your words help heal others who are going through similar situations. God bless!

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  25. She was desperate for the pain to go away. <—that's the sad part. It never goes away. It lessens with time, but can come back and knock your legs out from under you. I had my 4 wedding anniversary last Friday. My 4th one alone. And all of them will be me – Alone. I just have to find a way to get thru that time – alone. Even when I was dating Gary, I felt alone on March 20th. It's how my life will be. And I have to learn how to cope with it. Alone.

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