If only sitting with a nettle tea and looking at a beautiful flower was classed as exercise….

Who invented yoga? Really! Who invented that medieval form of torture. I want words with them. The glossy brochures are so enticing.

Wonderful for posture

Stress busting

A pick me up for the soul

Strengthens the mind

Improves confidence

Recover your flexibility

Builds strength and a strong heart

Anyone can do it

Fun

Feel your anxiety ebb away

So what actually is the reality. What happens when YOGA meets a Yorkshire Bloke who is trying to figure out if he is Man or MUPPET….

So the iPad was fired up. A random yoga app was selected. The advanced 50 minute session selected. Surely being an experienced runner, CrossFit, weights, climbing, cycling superhero must count for something. For a start having an instructor who speaks in English would help. Whispering terms like Chaturanga Dandasana and Shalabhasana is just going to get a blank look in Yorkshire. Secondly can we not have an instructor who has the flexibility of Elastigirl. I’m not getting in those positions EVER, not even with scaffolding and a construction team.

50 minutes of basically hearing my body crack and creak. What are the official yoga terms for ‘that pigging hurts’, ‘are you kidding me’, ‘oh no I’m falling over’, and ‘I’m stuck’. Elastigirl, you try relaxing in the plank position when a dog is washing your face and the cat is scratching your heel. And while I’m on with it, Elastigirl my heel has never been designed to touch the back of my head – strangely my backbone makes that a physical impossibility. Lying on my back with my feet in the air might be doing something for my posterior but it’s playing havoc with my acid reflux. Where’s the warning to not get too close to glass windows when you try to balance on one leg while trying to get into the Superman flying position. It’s so far been beyond me to get into one position without farting…. Yes I can hold that press-up position for as long as you want but do you know the agony I’m in trying to hold a position which is basically me tied up in a knot. In fact most of the positions I’ve been instructed to hold while relaxing have quickly deteriorated into violent twitching and shaking episodes.

So yes I want serious words with the person who invented yoga. Tomorrow I’m going back to CrossFit training and weights. Those will now feel like an absolute delight. All that’s to yoga.

119 thoughts on “Yoga, I want some words….”

  2. Funny funny funny
    Don’t give up on it though. Maybe 50 mins advanced was a touch ambitious. Try 10 mins beginner next time. Oh, and farting during yoga is the law, and so very good for you x

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  4. I have done Yogs one time for months, before going to Pilates later.
    I find some moves from Yoga, crop up in Pilates. The difference though, you repeat in Yoga and you hold it in Pilates. But which ever you do, it’s finding the right teacher if you have never done it before, so they can make sure your posture is ok.

    Also a teacher will not expect you to move like a very flexible person can in sometimes positions unimaginable. They get you moving to the ability that you can do, making sure you don’t extend further than your body allows.
    The idea is you feel a little stretch, not such a huge one that it hurts.

    As I learnt from my Pilates tutor, she has come across those who lift weights and run, laughing at her saying how Pilates is piece of piss. So she challenged them to working on their abs in a Pilates session, instead of how they do it in the gym and they struggled.

    Over time, as you do those moves, your body gets better and you will notice how you are flexible that bit more, to before. Work at it. But make sure you start at the beginning, before jumping in.

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      1. It can take some weeks to feel the relaxation side of things, depending how long it takes for you.
        I remember it taking 7 weeks for that part for me.

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  6. That’s too funny! I remember reading a post from a lady that farted during her yoga class. She was so embarassed she stood up to leave. The instructor told her, “Namaste” and slightly bowed to her. The lady said, “Nah I’m a go,” and left. 🙂

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  12. Fun post, and I can imagine the flatulence!
    I can do The Lion and The Tree, but not necessarily in the right order. Bending my appendages the way of the pictures makes me think everything has been photoshopped, and these people are SMILING as they work out? I did aerobics and enjoyed it immensely, so much better bopping to a beat even if I was going in the wrong direction. Shame I knackered my back again on the floor exercises ‘winding down’.

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      3. Most of these are stretches. there are nine exercises of 5 repetitions each which I’m supposed to do three times a day. I do them twice (mostly) and they stop me ticking to myself within. Hubby says that’s called adhesions and is not uncommon after surgery.

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  13. Sounds like you tried to run before you can walk! I am the world’s least flexible person but it’s amazing what you can achieve with ten minutes a day over a year, honest!

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  15. Ha ha bloody excellent and so true. Suze does yoga – or did – and she was very supple, but even she struggled. I look at yoga with a bemused look on my face at best – although l could watch a female yoga class for hours and feel strangely energised – astonishing really!

    Excellent post!

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  16. I wonder how, who and why turning the human body inside out like a giant cheese string was paired up with spiritual / religious practice in the first place.

    Still there’s a lot to be said for its benefits but I think you have to start out before you literally creak and groan and hear things snapping. I’m knackered. My knees were both smashed to bits as a teen then a bad riding injury in my mid-20’s finished the job with fractured ribs and collar bone etc.

    Physio and swimming worked wonders at its worst but obviously that’s not an easy or feasible option at min. Walking as in dog walking for a good few miles over nice Yorkshire countryside is the next best thing.

    Gyms and yoga and anything that’s physically unpleasant, uncomfortable or even worse painful – not good.

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      1. Oh I am quite sure as you hobble about tomorrow you will see I am. Look I do a wee bit every day. It is interesting what you say. Cos my Mr will go, after we hobble off of some mountain.. I do this and that and all and I can hardly bend my knee now, how come you can and you don’t walk the miles I do every day and etc etc…and i say 10 mins yoga.

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  19. Yeah, NO! After one of my surgeries the P.T. organized a “light” yoga class for a bunch of her clients. There were 4 or 5 of us. Even “light” yoga left me in more pain than before the class, and I’m extremely flexible.

    I still say Jazzercise is the way to go.💃🏼 Maybe the Cap’n will join you and show off his moves. Just don’t trip over him😱😉💌

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  20. Never did get into yoga. Before my spine fell to bits I used to have a routine that involved lying on the floor and my cat Panther used to crawl inside my sweatshirt. Now I just have my exercise bike and dear old Panther is gone. But at least I can still walk…more or less!

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  22. Why ever have you started with a 50 minutes session 😂 There are really cool Yoga exercises, not too taxing. I did some yoga for a while frequently two years ago. But I never exceeded 20 minutes… lol.

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  24. I have succumbed to the temptation of reading one of your blog posts. I was good today. Plus, I shed some tears about some sad news, so I think I deserve a laugh. Thanks Superdad. This is why I don’t do yoga. 😀

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  25. I absolutely love yoga. And, perhaps, as you have discovered, the best approach is to not take it, or yourself, too seriously 🙂 I always find comic relief in my yoga sessions as I am often sprawled out in some peculiar way. I’ve recently taken up swimming again. I have not swam seriously since college (university). I consider myself relatively in shape for my age (tennis, yoga, run/walk), but dear Lord, I had forgotten what a workout 1,000 yard swim can be. It is relaxing though, and great for the lungs. A new aquatics center has opened and the “senior” rate is only $2. All of this is good for the mental health as well. Very important during this isolating time. Praying you continue to do well, and don’t give up the yoga!

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  28. I really dislike yoga. I’ve tried and tried to like it, and attended many classes in an attempt to do so, but I still don’t. I am very reluctant to say I don’t like it, because it’s akin to saying you don’t like kittens or the Dalai Lama or some such thing, but it’s the truth.

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      1. I think half the problem is that in London you struggle to find a class shorter than 1hr 15mins. Classes are just too long. I constantly clock-watch and wish for it to be over. I do understand the benefits but I don’t want to be working for them for THAT many minutes at a stretch.

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  29. Hahaha, oh I don’t know … you have some interesting positions there lol 😄

    I’ll make sure to have that Human Twister game if you actually come to Cali lol – won’t that be fun? Lol (I’m teasing btw)

    I am flexible like that HOWEVER I DO creak and pop 🤨

    I can’t sneak up on my kids cause one of my ankles creaks and pops when I walk 😑

    Like an old house – the bones settle lol 😄✌️

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  30. For some reason, this made me think of my experience with golf. I couldn’t figure out how something so frustrating could possibly be considered relaxing. I moved on to tennis and racquetball where I had a larger target

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